I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
