I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
