At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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