Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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