Can Purell be used as lube?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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