dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
