Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
