You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
