So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
