Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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