I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
