Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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