I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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