Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
