you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
