Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
