i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
