Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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