saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
