did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
