I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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