Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm so fucking centered right now
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
