apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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