I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
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