I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
