I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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