Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
