I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
