enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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