I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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