so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
