I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
this hospital has no fireball
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
