I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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