dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
two words: eviction party
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
