I faked an abortion last night.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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