her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
