I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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