Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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