Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
