Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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