he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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