dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
