dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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