Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
