Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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