Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
