My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
