my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
