Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
