Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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